As England manager Fabio ?Andy? Greaves and Ukraine gaffer Alexei ?Rom? Broad take to the dug-out, both are contemplating their Subway sandwiches and arguing over who should make the tea. Greaves? striker crisis seems a distant concern as he discovers a rubber teat is missing from his left controller stick.

?Theesa smooth PLASTIC,? Greaves is heard to exclaim. ?I have the Subway grease also ? together they are very difficult. No TEAT. Very difficult.?

Broad seems less concerned, knowing he?d practiced hard and was aware the surprising pace of Liverpool?s loaned-out Voronin might catch the distracted Greaves napping.

Anthems sung and preposterous introductory paragraphs complete, the play gets underway.

England dominate early proceedings, applying constant pressure to the Ukrainian goal. Peter Crouch, leading the line for England, strikes the bar with a header early on and provokes a prolonged and messy goal-mouth scramble before Ukraine can clear.

Halfway through half of the first half, Ukraine hoof the ball upfield to target man Voronin. Entirely against the run of play, Voronin turns on a burst of speed hitherto unseen by English eyes and breaks into a one-on-one with David James in the England goal. But evidently stunned by this sudden turn of events, Voronin skies his shot embarrassingly. It?s a let off for England.

The retro-whites? response is emphatic. James launches a long ball from the goal kick which is controlled by Steven Gerrard on the left wing. England?s best midfielder plays a neat one-two with the best midfielder in England, Frank Lampard, before unleashing a rocket into the corner from the edge of the box.

England go into half-time 1-0 up and can be happy with a dominant performance. Fabio Greaves? half-time team talk includes the sentence ?it?s really hard without the teat?, which seems to elevate the confidence of his squad even further. The second half begins much the same way, with England ruthlessly pressing Ukraine back into their own half.

On 50 minutes Peter Crouch meets a Beckham cross and powers-up every single one of his neck muscles to unleash a furious header, which loops gracefully and unhurried back across the Ukrainian goal before caressing the crossbar and going out for a goal kick.

Ten minutes later Broad?s hoof-it-and-hope masterplan is realised and England are caught asleep at the back. Voronin latches onto a loose defensive pass and easily outpaces the England defence before slotting it calmly past James.

The scores even, the balance of the game seems to neutralise with neither team creating much in the way of chances. Ukraine?s standout chance of the second half comes with a beautifully flighted cross-field through ball to Andriy Shevchenko, who pokes it delicately past James only to see it rebound from the far post. England, on the other hand, will remember this as the day of the cross-bar as Gerrard pings the top of Ukraine?s climbing frame from a Beckham corner kick.

The game ends frantically as both teams press hard for the winner. England nearly snatch it at the death as Rooney is put through clear on goal, only to prevaricate too long and allow a last-ditch tackle to end both his and England?s chances of nicking the game.

Despite a dominant performance, England will rue their missed chances, the size of Ukraine?s cross bar and their manager?s missing teat, although they remain unbeaten and in a strong position in their World Cup qualifying group. Ukraine, on the other hand, will feel it?s a job well done at Wembley. Voronin, in particular, will be happy with a performance that underlines his impressive form while on loan from Liverpool with Hertha Berlin.